Twenty ways to irritate telemarkers.
Telemarketing is inevitable and it can’t be stopped. So everyone should learn defensive & even offensive techniques to combat this steadily increasing menace. If we can’t stop them we can at least piss them off.
The first rule is do not blatantly insult or abuse the telemarketer. Except in special cases when they are obvious criminals. Telemarketers thrive on abuse. They have been trained to feed on hostility. Instead, a more subtle form of revenge is more effective. Here is a cafeteria of time tested methods for your arsenal:
Act like a potential buyer and string them along. Be friendly. Engage in gossip. Talk about the weather. Tell them that they are truly charming and that they must have a lot of friends. Keep them on the phone as long as possible.
Give a false name. I use Donald Duck, particularly when I fill in web forms. When I get a call for Donald I tell them that he isn’t in right now as he is out on the pond.
Give a false address to mortgage sellers. Exaggerate your income & other particulars. Make them drool with anticipation.
Double talk at strategic times. Learn terms like spotlick, fabernous, chingistic, grabblegock and so on. Sprinkle them in your conversation.
Learn to mumble.
Learn to act totally irrational from time to time. For some of us this is not too hard.
Play deaf and ask them to repeat. Repeatedly.
Explain that you are very old and that they need to talk really slowly.
For the computer problem scam, explain gently that they are a criminal, engaged in criminal activity and that you are going to report them. See item 10 for more on this.
For the calls from the heavily accented obviously foreign gentleman who calls from the Department of Justice to inform you of a pending legal action… no holds barred. Use the following secret weapon: “I have the latest phone technology and I am watching you right now. I can see everything you are doing and am going to report you to the authorities. I know exactly where you are. You should be ashamed to be cheating people out of their money by scaring them. You are a criminal and you are in trouble now. This conversation is over. The police are on their way.”
They surround us.
Ask the person if they have ever experienced a curse. Tell them that very bad luck is on its way.
Ask where they are located. Then accuse them of lying. "Come on, I know that you aren't in New York. Where are you really?"
Ask if their mother knows what they do for a living.
Tell them they sound like such a nice person, so how could they have ever gotten into this kind of work?
When asked if the owner is there explain that he ran off to Acapulco after absconding with all the company funds.
Get a small ringer that sounds like a telephone. Sound it, and then put the telemarketer on hold. Or just tell them you have another call and please wait a minute. A long minute.
If they call after hours, ask “Do you know what time it is?” Or on weekends, “Do you know what day it is?”
Suggest that they might want to get a real job.
Some of them aren't too bad
Tell them that the script they are using is really awful and they should talk to their boss right away to get something better.
Best of all… get the caller convinced that you are about to agree to the plan, and then hang up while you are talking. Then don’t answer the phone for five minutes.
For better or worse, these techniques are time tested and effective. I have personally used every one of them. I hope that you find this information of use. Let me know one way or the other. Send me your own methods. firstname.lastname@example.org.
Make my day.